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Thursday, November 26, 2015

Ask Rabbi Pinky: On Daas Toirah


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Ask Rabbi Pinky: On Daas Toirah


Rabboisai,

This week’s Shailah comes from a Talmid who uses as much Yiddish as the Satmar Rebbe on acid.

Harav Hagaon Rav Pinky

Whilst discussing Divrei Toyreh I have, on occasion, suggested that our great medieval Meforshim, when composing responsa and commentary on TaNaCh, may well have been influenced by contemporary events impacting Ehrliche Yidden dwelling in Western Europe (e.g. the Crusades, black death, unfair business practices, Shtupping Shikseh maids, etc.) Certain Menuval Rabbonim in my community (whom I do not hold by, Chass V'Shalom) inform me that I am mistaken, and frequently invoke the term "Daas Toirah". I like to think that I am an Erliche, Frimme Yid, but does this not smack of (Chass V'Shalom) Papal infallibility (which I am certain the Goyim must have somehow stolen from us).

A Gitn Shabbos from your Talmid,

Reb Kudish Shmiel

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Reb Kudish,

Thank you for your insightful question that gets at the very heart of Yiddishkeit. After all, what else is the heart of our Heilikeh faith than the unfaltering belief in the rulings of our religious leaders, the Gedoilim. Men of wisdom and honor and valor. Men of intuition, able to unerringly answer questions on all topics, informed by their honed minds after studying the words of the Reboinoisheloilum, the teachings of CHAZAL, the lessons of the other Gedoilim, and the extensive library of responsa documented in Igrois Penthouse. Men of an essentially higher moral construct, like Moishe Rabbeinu. Men of a greater character, like Aaroin HaKoihain. Men who are hung like a horse, like Yankif Avinu.

Namely, men like me. And Herschel Schachter.

What is Daas Toirah? It is a term that, sadly, is not well known outside of Chassidic and Black Hat circles, unless you are an Ashkenazi real estate developer, a Moroccan mobster or a Gentile basketball player. It is the belief that Rabbis can grant wisdom and guidance with near infallibility on areas outside of the spheres of theology and Toirah scholarship.

What is it that gives the Gedoilim this wisdom? Why, it is the tens of thousands of hours spent studying Toirah, their minds shaped by the purity of the TANACH, the wisdom of the Gemarrah, the holy words of the Rishoinim and Acharoinim, and the mind-numbing-neo-paganism of the Zoihar. Their minds are molded and shaped and perfected by the words and ideas inspired by the Reboinoisheloilum and His pet hamster, Cuddles.

I literally cry for the Minuvals and their Minuveless wives for all of the time wasted consulting doctors and lawyers and financial advisers as they seek guidance, when all they have to do is come to me. My door is always open. Except when it is closed.

Why, just last week I had multiple inquiries from Talmidim asking for my Toirah-inspired guidance:

-- On Sunday, I had a man come to me to ask my advice on his investments. I suggested he buy stock in Artscroll: As soon as the entire country embraces the most ignorant form of Orthodoxy, he will make millions.

-- On Monday I had a woman come to me asking my opinion on whether she should divorce her husband after finding out he was having an affair. I advised her to remain married, but to raise her self esteem by evening the score. I then took her to the back of my 1987 Dodge minivan, tied her up with my Tfillin and Gartel, and practiced Shlugging Kaparois with her in the back seat.

-- On Tuesday I had a Talmid ask me who he should support in the debate in Israel about drafting Chareidi students into the IDF. I told that Mechutziff that the choice is clear! Why be Mevatel Toirah and waste valuable resources on silly things such as defense, national infrastructure and education for the entire country when you can invest in tens of thousands of able bodied adult men studying Toirah all day and having twelve children each? They are the true protectors of the State. And they are demonstrating their sheer bravery.... by threatening to fight fellow Jews and invoking such terms as Yaharoig Ve'al Ya'avor ("better to die than to comply") with regard to resisting military service. If only all Israeli soldiers had the same sense of privilege! Then we could stop wasting our money supporting charities in the State of Israel.... because there would no longer be a State of Israel.

-- On Wednesday – I was consulted by a couple that is having trouble conceiving a baby, Rachmana Letzlan. I immediately put the woman on a regimen of fertility pills and hormone shots. I had them change their Mezuzahs (lucky I had a few extra lying around, at $300 each…). And I also prescribed that they be Mezaneh while facing Mizrach on Roish Choidesh when it falls out on Moitzee Shabboskoidesh on a Tuesday. When asked if the woman should go to the Mikvah earlier in the week, violating the Rabbinic addition of waiting seven clean days in order to catch her ovulation cycle, I explained that it is better that Klal Yisroel cease to exist than to Chass V’Sholom be Oiver on this D’Rabbanan.

-- On Thursday I was asked by a Talmid for advice on a real estate deal. I strongly endorsed the opportunity to invest in parking garages in rural residential communities. When the Iranians drop the bomb on us we will all be heading to the hills and will need a place to park.

-- Finally, on Friday I was contacted by two parents who believe that their 12 year old son is being molested by his Rebbe and wanted to know if they should report the Rebbe to the authorities. I told them that they must be wrong: No person who has gone through a Smicha program can possibly be a child molester. It just couldn’t ever, ever happen. Never.

-- On Shabboskoidesh, of course, I only responded to questions directly related to Lumdis. Nisht B’Shabbos Garedt, you know.

Some may say that Daas Toirah is dangerously close to the Vatican’s perception of Papal infallibility. Some may say that ascribing near infallibility to any human being runs counter to the Toirah, which portrays Moishe Rabbeinu, Aaroin HaKoihan, and Duvid HaMelech as having been imperfect human beings. Some would suggest that the very essence of the Gemarrah is the notion of debate, which is rooted in a balance between tradition and reason. Some would say that the devastation of the Jews of Europe, including many whose Rabbinic leadership encouraged them not to emigrate, is the greatest proof of Rabbinic fallibility. Some would say that the belief in the infallibility of Rabbis may lead to extreme heresies, including the belief in false messiahs. Some would even suggest that the decentralized nature of Klal Yisroel, the lack of a central authority, is in fact one of our greatest elements of strength, encouraging a vibrant social and intellectual culture that is less prone to the corruption enabled by a single bottleneck.

But I say: Anyone who says such Shtuss is a complete ignoramus and we must excommunicate him from our community immediately. Unless he comes to my humble Central Park West apartment, makes a sizeable donation to my Yeshiva. And then I'll be happy to offer him my counsel.

Ah Gutten Shabbos You Minuval.

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Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

Friday, November 20, 2015

On Current Events In Israel


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On Current Events In Israel

Rabboisai,

Numerous talmidim have reached out to me over the past week asking what a Ben Toirah’s position should be regarding the current situation in Israel. “Rebbe” some say, “I want to travel to Eretz Yisroel to contribute to Israel's defense. Can I go to an army base to teach Toirah, so soldiers can get some extra sleep?” “Rebbi, can I go to a local community in Eretz Yisroel to teach children critical survival skills, such as first aid or Hilchois Tzitzis?” “Rebbi, can I travel to Eilat to ensure that the topless Scandinavian women tourists are "fully satisfied" with their visit, if you know what I mean?”

More introspective Talmidim ask how a Ben Toirah should relate to the troubling geopolitical realities that Israel faces. We capture territories; they attack us. We retain territories; they attack us. We redeploy from territories; they attack us. What should we do, for Reboinoisheloilum’s sakes?

Frankly, you Minuval, today’s challenges are not unique in the history of Klal Yisroel. When Am Yisroel left Mitzrayim, crossed the Yam Suf, and said “Na’Aseh V’Nishmah,” were we greeted by comfort and ease? Did Hakadoshboruchhu give us a break after 400 years of slavery, persecution, and high interest rates? No! The Bnei Yisroel faced food shortages, water deprivation, armed combat, internal strife, sorcerers’ curses, erectile dysfunction, and limited broadband availability.

In a famous Gemarrah in Kesubois, Rav Ashi asks why the Aimishteh always makes life difficult for Klal Yisroel, and then when we rebel or express doubt, He smacks us with an outstretched fist. Asks Rav Ashi, “Isn’t the Reboinoisheloilum guilty of the Issur of Lifnei Iver,” placing us in a position where we are entrapped into sin?

There is a Gevaldikkah Machloikess Rishoinim on this topic.

According to the RAN, Hakadoshboruchhu is indeed guilty of Lifnei Iver, and the RAN suggests that we put Him in Cherem until He changes His behavior.

But the RIF disagrees, suggesting that Rav Ashi was not thinking clearly, probably because it was not “hunting season” in the Ashi boudoir, if you know what I mean. Rather, argues the RIF, the Aimishteh loves Klal Yisroel, and He is only challenging us so that we can glorify His name. And therefore, the right words, the right steps, and the right actions are just at our finger tips, awaiting our discovery of the proper formula.

Indeed, the great Kabbalists of Tsfas held like the RIF, and they dedicated themselves to finding the right formula to achieve success in the eyes of the Reboinoisheloilum. Yes, the ARIZAHL, Reb Yoiseph Karo, and others delved into the deep mysteries of existence and finally came up with an answer: Through Tefillah, Ruach Hakoidesh, reading tea leaves, and the use of a Magic Eight Ball, they were able to recover the Shaym Hamefoirush, the ineffable name of the Aimishteh which gives special magical powers to all who use it. It was the Shaym Hamefoirush that:

-- Avraham Avinu used at the age of 99 to raise his Bris Milah from the dead so that he could father Yitzchak

-- Moishe Rabbeinu used to split the sea and raise the bones of Yoisaiph Hatzadik

-- Shloimoi Hamelech used to give life to the inanimate lions guarding his throne

-- The Koihain Gadol used to bring forth fire from the Mizbayach in the Bais Hamikdash.

In fact, there is a famous Medrish that says that Yushka Pandra had the Shaym Hamefoirush written on his arm, which enabled him to magically walk on water, mysteriously change water into wine, and miraculously get Mary Magdalene to provide access to her… err… ummm.... Yam Suf...

So if Klal Yisroel has used this awesome power in the past, why can't Klal Yisroel use this magical capability now? Why doesn’t the Prime Minister use the Shaym Hamefoirush today to defeat the myriad Palestinian terrorists attacking Israeli civilians and soldiers alike in the current wave of terror? Why can’t the Chief Rabbi climb up to the tallest mountain in Eretz Yisroel, raise his arms, and like Moishe Rabbeinu keep them up in the air until our foes are vanquished? Why can’t the leading Rosheshivas pray with fervor until the current threats disappear?

I am reminded of a famous story about the Kutzker Rebbe. At the end of one summer, the Kutzker was forced to stay home and watch the children because camp was over, school had not yet begun, and his wife had a full schedule of patients at her Speech Therapy practice. After a week of taking the kids to the pool and trying to get work done, with Spongebob blaring in the background, the Kutzker decided he had had enough, so he headed upstairs to argue with his wife.

Climbing up the steps, the Kutzker cautiously kept his distance as he asked his wife to please stay home for a few days, but she completely ignored him. Looking at the back of her head, as she quietly sat in the bedroom, he raised his voice, complaining how she was responsible for his Bittul Toirah. No response. Then the Kutzker raised his voice even more and berated her loudly, yelling at her in his worst street Yiddish. Still nothing. Finally, he stormed over to where she was sitting to argue with her face to face. To the Kutzker's great surprise, he discovered that he had been arguing for 25 minutes with her Shaytel, which was sitting atop a Styrofoam head on the dresser. Alarmed, he calmed himself down by using the Styrofoam head to perform an act of Metzitzah Bipeh on himself.

Rabboisai, in the world of reality, we do not have a secret formula, so we must to find a path for ourselves through our words, our prayers and our actions. Perhaps we are using the wrong words or taking the wrong actions. Or perhaps we are being tested by the Reboinoisheloilum for endurance, as in a marathon, or on a long Mikvah night in the winter time.

Fate has determined that we have a State surrounded by many enemies. But it is our State, the culmination of a great national effort. And the self determination that we have today sadly comes with a heavy, painful price.

So we roll up our sleeves and suck in our gut, secure in the knowledge that one day soon we will confidently and safely go outside and and get together with others to argue about such critical issues as the color of the wallpaper, the Yankees’ starting lineup, and whether or not you are required to make a Bracha on Tzitzis while putting on a four cornered leather S&M outfit at night with your glasses fogged on a Tuesday.

Ah Gutten, Peaceful, Shabbos You Minuval


---------

Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

On the Curse of Eve


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On the Curse of Eve


Rabboisai,

I had a massive challenge this week. There was an ingredient that I needed for a recipe - I am actually trying to recreate the formula for Soita Juice - the liquid that will prove whether a woman is a Soitah or not - and I did not know the Koisher status of it. What's Pshat saffron? Is it an animal, or a vegetable or an herb? And if it is a vegetable or herb, does it have bugs crawling all over it, rendering it inedible for kosher reasons, like broccoli and asparagus in our day?

So I reached out to the OU, the OK, the Chuff K, the CRC, the BADATZ and the other reliable Hashgachois, kosher supervision agencies, but none had a satisfactory answer. Which doesn't mean that they do not know; more likely, it means that commercial negotiations with suppliers are pending.

Finally, I was referred to the world expert on Safron, who, as fate would have it, is a Frum Jew. So I called Ariel Goldberg for input, so that I could determine the kosher status of this key ingredient. But alas, when Ariel Goldberg picked up the phone, my hopes were shattered. As it turns out, Ariel Goldberg is a woman, and, consequently, any insight that she might offer on a Halachic question is like asking a deaf man to sing Stairway To Heaven. Women are simply not qualified to render Halachic decisions.

We are told in the Torah that the Reboinoisheloilum created our foremother in Gan Eden out of the rib of Adam HaRishoyn, so as to keep him company as an "Ezer Kinegdoi", a "Help Mate". Yet Woman was fundamentally flawed from the start. Apparently Hakadoshboruchhu only had part of the architectural plans from his original model, Adam, and missed a major component; His new creation did not include a Makoiym HaMilah, a "Gid" in semi modern Hebrew, a "Zayin" in Hebrew slang, or a Schmuck, Putz, Schmeckel, Schvantz, Schlong, Petzyl, Shmaaser in various forms of Yiddish slang. (Isn't it amazing that our ancestors in Eastern Europe had as many names for their private parts as Eskimos have for snow?) Chava lacked a penis, and this led to her poor judgment in being enticed by a snake, as well as in burning the Challah on Erev Shabbos.

Humanity, and women in particular, were indeed cursed by this design flaw in Gan Eden, a flaw that affects us Ad HaYoim HaZeh, until this day. Because of this fundamental flaw, women are not able to serve as Heads of State, no matter how much Angela Merkel and Margaret Thatcher would argue to the contrary. Women are not able to serve as doctors or lawyers or scientists. According to RASHI, Marie Curie was not a woman scientist, but a man who had his "business" shot off in World War One. Woman are incapable of serving as CEOs or COOs of companies. Facebook, IBM, HP, Xerox, Yahoo, Oracle, General Motors, Lockheed Martin, General Dynamics, Pepsico, Kraft and many other companies have only appointed women as figureheads, so that the person who washes the dishes in the office and sweeps up at the end of the day has a nice title. It is an "affirmative action" thing. It is just another example of the left wing conspiracy trying to take over this country.

The fact of the matter is, "Nashim Da'ason Kalois Hayn", as CHAZAL teach us, women are of simple minds. That is why Egypt, Iran, Iraq, Syria, Lebanon, Yemen, Saudi Arabia and many other respected countries in the world have not had a female head of state. Ever. That is why the Vatican has never had a female Pope and will not agree to having female Catholic Priests. And these guys are the experts, on the cutting edge!

I do not know about you, but. I start every morning with Brachois. Baruch Ata Adoeshem, Elikainu Melech Ha'Oilum... Sheloi Usani Goy, Sheloi Usani Uved, Sheloi Usani Ishah, etc. Blessed Art Thou Oh Aimishteh, Our Hakadoshboruchhu, King Of The Universe... Who did not make me a Gentile; Who did not make me a slave; WHO DID NOT MAKE ME A WOMAN, FOR REBOINOISHELOILUM'S SAKES!!!

And I mean it!

It is with all of this background that I have to proclaim my full, 100% support, for the leadership demonstrated by Rabbis Gil Student and Avraham Gordimer in using a rare procedural move at a recent gathering of the Rabbinical Council of America (RCA), the mainstream Modern Orthodox umbrella group of rabbis in the United States, to bring to the floor and pass a resolution reaffirming the RCA's opposition to the rabbinic ordination of women, and declaring a mandatory boycott against hiring any woman with a Rabbah or Maharasssss title into any position of educational authority in a Jewish institution, including the role of teacher.

Boruch Hashem!!! The last thing we need in our society are competent female educators and role models!

I prefer to look up to the current generation of leaders: Mordechai Willig - Who as the primary supporter of Boruch Lanner, clearly believes that it is OK to sexually abuse women, as long as you do not teach them Gemarah; Herschel Schachter, who would rather have sexual abusers run free than sit in jail with "Schvartzes" (his word, not mine); and Jonathan Rosenblatt, who loves to make sure that his Talmidim are REALLY clean before teaching them Toirah!

It is critical that we block women from taking on additional responsibilities in our community! As RAMBAM teaches, we cannot have a woman serve as a king or, by inference, in any position of leadership. This is due to the ruling on Serara in Hilchois Melachim. Now, never mind the fact that in general, we do not necessarily Paskin like the RAMBAM, ever - his full treatise of Mishnah Toirah is a magnificent work of scholarship, but is viewed as an input to Halachic discourse, not as binding Halacha LeMaisah. Never mind the fact that many of his positions stand in contrast to alternate Halachic positions before and after - whether it was the positions of the Gaonim and others that he disagreed with, the RAMBAM's own positions that were frequently attacked by the RAMBAN in Spain in a subsequent generation, or the many other Rabbinic scholars who felt license to debate the RAMBAM throughout the ages. And never mind the fact that he lived 900 years ago in Muslim Egypt, where undoubtedly women in society were seen in a completely subservient light. And never mind the fact that the RAMBAM, also a famous doctor, represented the cutting edge of his day, but frankly we go to modern doctors for modern medicine, and do not rely on his medical text books either. The fact of the matter is that on this one issue, we absolutely hold like the RAMBAM, because Hakadoshboruchhu forbid that any leader of Klal Yisroel should be missing a penis. After all, what would the Goyim say? Next thing you know, we will be giving Smicha to orangutans and gerbils, and I for one do not look forward to hearing a Drasha being delivered by a mouse-like creature talking about the Parshas HaShavua while running in a wheel.

It is critical that we block women from taking on additional responsibilities in our community! The well know Braisah tells us that women could in theory be called up to read from the Toirah, but we do not do it because of Kvoid HaTzibur, out of respect for the congregation. The RIF suggests that this expression related to concerns about public modesty - Men in the congregation may hear a woman's voice and begin masturbating like chimpanzees. The RAN suggests that this expression reflects the concern that a menstruating woman would bleed all over the Bimah, and it would be embarrassing to the congregation to have the carpets cleaned every week. And the ROISH suggests that Kvoid HaTvibur simply suggests that it would be offensive to the congregation to have someone called to the Toirah who is missing a penis. After all, reading from the Toirah is akin to Moishe Rabbeinu receiving the Toirah on Mount Sinai, and he certainly had a penis, at least according to most Rishoinim.

So women should absolutely not be given additional responsibilities in our community, not serve as Rabbis/ Rabbahs, Maharasssss's, Yoatzois Halacha, officers in synagogues, teachers, or leaders of play groups. And, as cited by my Rebbe, Mordechai Willig, we should stop teaching Gemara to women, as now they are uppity bitches who do not know their place in society. We should also stop allowing women to attend higher education, as this gives them the idea that they can contribute to broader society. And we should reverse the Bais Yaakov movement and stop educating our women altogether. In fact, I plan at the next RCA gathering to propose a resolution that all women be chained to a central post in every Jewish home all day and every day, with a chain just long enough to move around from the kitchen to the bedroom. I think 20 feet long is more than enough in most homes.

The only exception of course will be Koilel wives, who will be let off of their chains long enough to raise their ten kids and work three jobs a day.

Now, Boruch Hashem for the initiative of Rabbis Student and Gordimer! There are a lot of minor distractions in the Jewish community, but they have kept the community focused on the single most important issue. Sure, the RCA could spend its time focusing on:

-- Addressing the plague of sexual abuse in our community
-- Addressing the plight of Agunois, women who are trapped in quasi marital limbo because their husbands refuse to grant them a Get, a religious divorce certificate
-- Broadening the scope of Jewish education
-- Addressing the yeshiva tuition crisis
-- Delivering unity to Klal Yisroel at a time of economic, political and social divide, and
-- Focusing on intellectual relevance at a time when many people are abandoning the faith in droves.

But luckily, Rabbi Student and Gordimer have kept the RCA focused on the most important issue of our day: Keeping leadership out of the hands of people lacking a penis.

I am reminded of a famous Maiseh Shehoya brought down in a Braisah. It was LAG Be'Oimer, and Bais Shammai and Bais Hillel were having their annual friendly competitive sports outing. This year, instead of softball, they decided to play volleyball. And this year, Bais Hillel brought in a couple of ringers - a couple of the wives of the Talmidim who had been members of their college volleyball teams.

When the female members of the Bais Hillel team showed up on the field, the Bais Shammai team protested. Bais Hillel said that no rules were violated by allowing women to play, but Bais Shammai protested that it was indeed against the rules, and if not against the rules, it was at least against the spirit of the rules. After Bais Hillel refused to change its team line up, Bais Shammai refused to play, and went protesting to the Roman Authorities. The year was 67 CE, and the rebellion against Roman rule was breaking out, along with an accompanying Jewish civil war, with Bais Shammai and Bais Hillel on different sides. In the end, there was much loss of life, and the Second Bais Hamikdash, the Second Temple, was destroyed.

But at least no women were allowed to play in the Bais Shammai - Bais Hillel volleyball game. Boruch Hashem!

Because the last thing you would ever want to do is improve your team performance by adding a team member who was born without a penis, Chass V’Sholom.


Ah Gutten Shabbos, You Menuvelessss


---------

Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

Friday, November 06, 2015

My Daughter, The Rabbi


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My Daughter, The Rabbi

Last Friday Night, in the middle of the night, I had insomnia. I walked downstairs, and Lo and Behold, my daughter Bracha was sitting in the Living room, speaking with one of her friends. We all got to talking and determined my daughter's future career:

Bracha – her full name is Bracha Levatala -- is planning to be a nurse midwife. She graduated from undergrad this year, and will be attending graduate school to pursue her career. But before graduate school she is heading off to Israel, where she will be studying in one of the most progressive Modern Orthodox/ Dati Leumi girls yeshivas, a place where they make Yoatzois Halacha - women who can make rulings regarding Nidah. These women also inevitably get asked "marital relations" questions.

So this is how I predict her life and career will play out:

My daughter is going to become a bit closer to the Reboinoisheloilum and become a Yoetzes Halacha, or, Chass V'Shalom, a Maharasssss. Then she is going to marry a nice Jewish boy, a rabbinical student who is also studying to be a doctor or lawyer or something.

After becoming a Yoetzes Halacha or Maharasssss, or perhaps during that course of study, she is also going to study to be a nurse midwife. And these days, nurse midwives do more than deliver babies; they also perform basic OB/GYN checkups. So women will come to my daughter in her role as a Midwife Halacha for feminine healthcare and rabbinical advice on Taharas Hapishpacha and marital issues.

Now, as part of her practice, my daughter will sell, and ultimately brand, products that she sells to her patients. The products will include:

-- Kosher underwear #1 - They are red, so that women cannot seeing spotting and avoid being declared a Nidah simply due to a little off-cycle spotting.

-- Kosher underwear #2 - Kosher certified edible underwear. (According to the RAPAYIS, the spouse or romantic partner is allowed to get rid of the evidence by eating it, as long as he or she makes the appropriate Bracha.)

-- A vibrator with a built in Shabbos clock, originally invented by the RARCHAK - Branded as "The Shabbos Cock (TM)"

The general website and retail brand for the suite of products will be: "Shalom Bayis Devaiyis" (TM) available at ShalomBayisDevaiyis.Com.

My daughter also has a genuine aspiration to open a birthing center in a natural setting. So we determined that one of the practices of her birthing center will be that once the baby is born, my daughter will hand the baby to a nurse or to the father to hold, and will then feed the placenta to the local bears.

And years later.... While on a family nature trip with her children and grandchildren and her own dithering old father (me), the family will find themselves surrounded by a bunch of anti Semites who are about to kill them. In fact, the dithering old father/ grandfather/ great grandfather (me) will step to the front and declare:

“Shema Yisroel Adoishem Eloikaynu Adoishem Echadddd”

And then, suddenly, from out of the woods, will emerge a group of very well fed bears, to defend the woman who has been feeding them yummy placenta for years.

And - if my daughter and her husband end up moving to China, she will play the same Midwife Halacha role there. Only due to the one child per family policy, which has historically led people to give girl babies up for adoption or even commit infanticide, when a girl child is born, my daughter will also offer to throw the newborn baby girl to be eaten by the tigers.

But the boy children shall be kept, as it is Hakadoshboruchhu’s will.

-----

Rabboisai,

How should I, a famous Rosheshiva, deal with the fact that my daughter is becoming such a disappointment, missing out on her prime birthing years in order to get a secular education, Chass V’Shalom, and will even study Gemarrah, Rachman Letzlan!!!

I am reminded of a famous Maaseh Shehoya. In the town of Dessel in the Ukraine there was a local Chassidus, the Dessler Chassidim, that looked up to their local Chassidic Rebbe as if he was Moishe Rabbeinu himself.

One day, a distraught Talmid Chachom named Malkiel came to the Dessler Rebbe with a Shailah: He was married to a woman who wanted to stop shaving her head and to begin to wear makeup. Malkiel was worried about the possible impact on their six children, but was willing to allow his wife to engage in such behavior if the Rebbe agreed.

“What do you think you should do?” the Dessler Rebbe asked.

“To be honest, I really do not see the harm in a women engaging in self expression, and it may even help with Shalom Bayis” Malkiel responded.

The Dessler smiled, a wide smile, and his eyes gleamed. He leaned over towards Malkiel, who was sitting opposite him at the table in his Bais Medrish. “And THAT, my beloved Chussid, is why you are a Shmendrick and a Menuval, and I am a Chassidic Master! First a woman wants to shave her hair… and then she will be shaving her Erva! First she wants to put on makeup for her husband… and then she will be putting on makeup for every man in the street! Next she will undoubtedly want to stop having children and get a full time job as a roadside prostitute!!”

The Dessler continued, “Malkiel, better that you had never married your wife than have to contemplate such Modernishe Zachen! But luckily, you have options.”

“What options?” Malkiel asked.

“For one thing, you can give your wife a Get, immediately, and never allow her to see her children ever again. She may offer to shave her head and refrain from wearing makeup, but you can never trust a woman with such a Taivah! Plus she will undoubtedly try to see your children, and they will have to grow up with the Shandah of having a Kurva for a mother.”

“Another option is that you can call the Czar and denounce your wife as a spy. But you never know if the government will arrest you as well. Or even worse, me.”

“But there is one other option…”

“What is it?” Malkiel asked anxiously.

“You can tell your wife that you would like to go on a romantic picnic with her, and take her to the woods outside of Dessel. And when you get to the woods, you can feed her to the bears, who are always hungry.”

“But isn’t that murder, one of the Aseres HaDibrois, the Ten Commandments?” Malkiel asked.

The Dessler Rebbe looked at Malkiel scorningly, “Hey RASHI, the Toirah also says “VeNichrisah HaNefesh HaHee Mai’Ameha, you Mechutziff! Son, you can either destroy your wife’s body now and return her Neshama to the Aimishteh, its rightful owner. Or you can destroy your childrens’ Neshama’s later. You decide.”

With that, the Dessler went off to deliver a Shiur to his Chassidim on which Bracha to recite before tying one’s left shoe.

Rabboisai, I too face such a dilemma. I cry for my daughter’s Neshama, and even more so, for the Neshamas of the people she will be trying to “help” by offering “medical care” and “Taharas HaMishpacha” advice.

Consequently, I will be taking a special bonding trip with my daughter, and will be unavailable for the next week and a half. We will be travelling to China together, touring Beijing, Shanghai, the Great Wall, seeing some of the inner, rural areas, and sampling some of the local cuisine.

And, out of respect for local custom, I will only be buying a return trip ticket for myself. After all, tigers need to eat too.

Ah Gutten Shabbos, You Menuval.


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Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess