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Friday, July 21, 2017

On Optimism and Shivas Tziyon (The Return To Zion)

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On Optimism and Shivas Tziyon (The Return To Zion)


Rabboisai,

The following is a true story. I was walking by myself on the back roads of Gush Etzion many years ago - the roads that are not paved, that go through ancient vineyards built in stepped irrigation. These roads may even date back to Roman times.

As I was walking -- in my cocky teenage walk -- an older Arab man came up to me. I thought to myself, "Rebboinoisheloilum, now I am going to die. Shema Yisrael AdoiShem Eloikaynu AdoiShem Echaddddd." Instead he gave me a large batch of grapes, and refused to take money for them, no matter how much I insisted.

Such is the nature of the Arab Israeli conflict. It defies basic understanding, because it is rooted in emotion, not rationality.

-----

Rabboisai, one of my Talmidois reached out to me in despair last week, ruing the latest events in Israel and Gaza. In this case, it was the believed capture of an Israelis soldier. "When will it end?" she asked. "Is it hopeless?"

Rabboisai, a late uncle of mine, a veteran of the early days of the State, used to make a half joke about Israel: He said that the pessimists in Israel speak Yiddish. But the optimists speak Arabic.

I never quite understood what he meant. But given that he was born in China (Mamish!), was raised speaking Russian, was taught English and French in school, and learned Hebrew and other languages later, I am surprised that he could form a cohesive sentence in a single language.

My uncle's experience, as a purely secular Jew, was quite typical of his generation. After making Aliyah with his parents and brother, he helped build the State. He likely never learned a piece of Gemarrah in his life, so never had the joy of diving into a Gevaldikkah Toisfois after a quick dip in the Mikvah, never had the pleasure of engaging in a Machloikess with his Chavrusa, and undoubtedly never undertook the Mitzvah of Shiluach HaKan. He never wore a Shtreimel and his wife never wore a Sheytel. Yet he was born a Jew, lived as a Jew, and died as a Jew. He served in the army, as did his children. He paid his taxes. And when he went to the Oilum Ha'Emes, he left children and grandchildren to continue his legacy. His experience is typical.

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Do you, you Minuval, believe that modern Israel became magically populated with Jews one day, who answered the call to come live in their ancestral homeland? No, you Vilda Chaya! Shivassss Tziyoin, the return of the Jews to Zion, has been a long, drawn out process of at least 150 years.

Even before Theodore Herzl, there was the First Aliyah and the Second Aliyah. There were Chareidim who came and settled. There were indigenous Jews who can trace their ancestry in the Land of Israel back centuries.

And then of course there were the waves of immigration: Following the pogroms of the early twentieth century; in the days leading up to the collapse of Jewish life in Germany; during World War II; after the hell fires of the Shoah, before Statehood; and wave after wave of immigration following the establishment of the State -- survivors from Eastern Europe, Jews from Western Europe, Jews from Egypt and Iraq and Morocco and Israel and Yemen and elsewhere in the Arab world. Jews arriving in secret waves of Aliyah from Romania and Argentina. Jews from Ethiopia and the former Soviet Union. Jews who continue to arrive today...

To what is this phenomenon comparable?

One need only look at Jewish history to find a very direct precedent. Roughly fifty years after the fall of Jerusalem and the first Temple, the Babylonians fell to the Persians, who decreed that the Jews were free to return to their ancestral homeland and rebuild their Temple. Did they travel en masse and rebuild the Bais HaMikdash immediately? No, you Mechtiziff Ignoramus!

The Jews returned in waves. First came Zerubavel and later Sheshbazar, escorted by the Koihain Yehoishua and the Neviim Chagai and Zechariah. Zerubavel and Sheshbazar claimed descent from the House of Duvid HaMelech. But they disappeared from history. Then came Ezra, a Koihain. Later came Nechemya. And others. Rebuilding the Bais Hamikdash and the Jewish community in Eretz Yisroel did not happen instantly or magically, but took numerous generations to be established and secured.

And so, to those like my Talmidah who suffer through moments of despair, I would like to remind you that earlier conquests of Israel and Judah and the establishment of the First and Second Temples were not accomplished in one day or one month or one year or one decade or one generation or one century. And, similarly, Modern Israel, our Third Temple, is the product of a multigenerational enterprise.

So when will it end? When will there be peace? When can Klal Yisroel stop having to worry about defending itself from its Arab neighbors and return to infighting over the draft of the Chareidim, public transportation on Shabboskoidesh, whether or not we hold by the Heter Mechirah for Shmita, and whether or not Payis can be used as Koisher Schach in a Sukkah?

I am reminded of a Maiseh Shehoya. The RIF was once riding in a boat on a journey from his home in Fes, Morocco to sell Esroigim to the Jews of Yemen. When he arrived in Yemen, he expected to make a large amount of money, as Sukkois was weeks away. The RIF started peddling his Esroigim door to door, but no one wanted to buy his Esroigim. He then went to the Central Synagogue of Aden and set up an Esroig stand, but no one expressed any interest in his wares. He then asked the local rabbi, Chacham Yousef Ibn Al-Misnagid, why none of the locals were interested in his Esroigim. Chacham Yousef laughed at the question. "You, my dear RIF, are from Morocco, and consider yourself European. And you try to sell us your Kleinekeit little Esroigim that look like a man coming out of the Mikvah on a cold day. We Yemenites consider ourselves African, and have massive Esroigim that are hung like Oig Melech HaBashan." With that, Chacham Yousef pulled out his Yemenite Esroig that was the size of an American football.

The RIF was disappointed, as his business venture had clearly failed. He was silent for a few minutes. Then he spoke. "Reb Yousef, forget about the Esroigim. They are silly looking fruit anyway. Can I interest you in buying real estate in New York? America has not been discovered yet, but believe me, in about 1,000 years you will make an absolute killing!" And with that the RIF was able to make a handsome return on his travel investment.

Rabboisai, when will peace come? This is indeed a Shailah long asked by Klal Yisroel, even in the centuries when there was no large presence in Eretz Yisroel. And since the dawn of modern settlement, we have failed to achieve peace: First in the pre State era, then at the time of Independence, and even now, when we have a strong army and large population.

I would like to suggest that we have been all wrong in the way we have pursued peace. We have tried using secular visionaries like Herzl, secular Zionists like Weizman and Ben Gurion, shrewd strategists like Eshkol and Meir, traditionalists like Begin, moderates like Rabin and Peres, and conservatives like Sharon and Netanyahu. They were founders, men and women of letters, people with political experience and military background. But they lacked the core skills required to negotiate a long term agreement that was advantageous to the Jewish People. They meant well, they tried their best, and had genuine achievements, but they could not deliver the ultimate prize. We have a secure State, but no peace. It is like getting a good massage, but no "happy ending".

I would like to suggest that we need a different fundamental skill set to bring about peace in Eretz Yisroel. We need Chassidim to negotiate peace with the Arabs.

Chassidim have a different mindset and special stamina that makes them better suited to represent Jewish interests: They wear long black coats in the middle of summer. They are able to drive big fancy cars while collecting Welfare, food stamps and receiving Section Eight. The have beautiful Payis that hypnotically sway back and forth, back and forth. If they can make ends meet with 12 kids while the man is learning in yeshiva and the woman is working as a teacher during the day, in a grocery store during the evening, and as a Mikvah lady at night, then I want them at the negotiating table.

Chassidim will get us the best deal possible... perhaps even convincing the Palestinians to accept pennies on the dollar, pay retail prices, and engage in all financial exchanges in cash. In exchange for stopping rocket fire from Gaza, the Chassidim will throw in a few old cameras from B&H and fresh Kugel and Yapchik every Friday. And they will make sure that the Palestinian elite have access to some of the finest diamonds on the market. In addition, the Chassidim will offer extensive employment opportunities to the Palestinians: As doctors and lawyers, as engineers, as Goytas, as Shabbos Goyim, and as their representatives serving in the IDF while the Chassidim continue to study in Yeshiva all day and avoid the draft. 

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Rabboisai, to be a Jew means to be an optimist. Our intellectual and philosophical grounding is in the past, but our fate is to build a life in the present and future. May we see true peace and security in our lifetimes.

Ah Gutten, Peaceful Shabbos, You Minuval.


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Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

Thursday, July 06, 2017

Parshas Balak

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Parshas Balak 

In this week's Parsha, Parshas Balak, we are provided a welcome respite from the usual rigmarole of the Toirah -- no Moishe Rabbeinu, no Aharoin the minuval, no vilda chaya Klal Yisroel -- until the very end of the Parsha. No regulations regarding sacrifices or other Priestly responsibilities. No critical laws that continue to enrich our lives until today, such as the prohibition against eating creeping insects while having relations with your father's wife on Yoim Kippur. 

The RAMBAN asks the obvious question: why does the Toirah veer away from focusing on Klal Yisroel, the Chosen People, the Goy Kadoish, and focuses instead on Bilaam, Balak, and a talking she-ass? What’s Pshat? 

The Tzitz Eliezer suggests that the Rebboinoisheloilum was suffering from writer's block, and was forced to plagiarize a script he found on the Internet in order to meet His tight deadline. 

But the Schvantz Mordechai vehemently disagrees, saying that the Aimishteh was renowned for delivering his scripts on time, but that union issues with the Screen Actors Guild resulted in a walk out by Moishe and the rest of Klal Yisroel, requiring some quick rewrites and recasting with low cost fill ins ("scabs" in Yiddish). By Parsha's end, of course, the strike was settled, just in time to enjoy the usual hijinks of Klal Yisroel being smitten by a plague that killed twenty-four thousand. He cites as proof a medrish in Yechezkel Rabbah suggesting that the reason Moishe wasn't allowed into Eretz Yisroel was because his affinity for labor was expected to make Yehoshua's right-wing coalition unstable. 

So what of Bilaam and Balak? The Gemarrah, in discussing this Parsha, notes how strange it is that Bilaam is portrayed by the Toirah as having a personal relationship with Hakkadoshboruchhu, referring to him by name, and mentioning several times that Bilaam had His personal cell phone number. 

Says the Gemmarah, according to a Bas Kol (a voice emanating from heaven), Bilaam was in fact not associated with the Rebboinoisheloilum at all. Says the Bas Kol, "The Aimishteh denies that any alleged contacts with Mr. Bilaam took place at any time, and expresses that any alleged leaks were certainly unintentional and not a violation of Federal law. As well, Hakkadoshboruchhu has engaged a private counsel, and will have nothing else to say on this matter at this time." 

Rav Huna rejects the Bas Kol, citing credibility issues arising from previous high level leaks that took place following the "Golden Calf" affair. Instead, he suggests that the Bilaam story is actually a legend created by the author of the E text in order to support Israelite claims of manifest destiny over Moabite territories by referring to Bilaam, a historical Near Eastern shaman. Unfortunately, Rav Huna disappeared without a trace before he could prove his theory. 

Rav Ashi suggests, however, that Bilaam did indeed have a relationship with the Rebboinoisheloilum, but tried to exploit that relationship in order to develop his own following and offer an alternative religion, a substitute to Toiras Moishe. He points to a medrish that says that Bilaam was supported by a band of nerdy looking teenagers who were always doggedly handing out deceptive looking fliers in the subway during rush hour advocating membership in “Bedouins for Bilaam.” 

Indeed, this interpretation points to a paradox at the heart of Yiddishkeit. Judaism itself is an alternative, a substitute for the pagan beliefs and rituals pervasive in society until the time of Avraham Avinu. As such, we have from time immemorial lived side-by-side with others, yet remained committed to alternative philosophies and approaches based upon our conception of monotheism and the practices inspired by our core belief set. 

Yes, Judaism is dedicated to the concept of being unique, both in our faith and in our material existence. Take food, for example. We separate ourselves from the animals and the anti-Semite nations of the world by our dietary practices. Others eat pig; we do not. Other mix milk and meat; we consecrate our lives by putting non-dairy creamer in our coffee. 

Take aesthetic habits. The women of other nations expose their hair as they prostitute themselves; we, on the other hand, assert our holiness and superiority by wearing $3000 dollar wigs. 

A maaseh shehoyo: The Pri Megadin was once at a bachelor party for his brother in law, the Eliyahu Rabbah. After going out for steaks, they eventually ended up at the best strip club in all of Lithuania. One of the exotic dancers, Ruchel, came over to the Pri Megadin and whispered in his ear, "Rebbe, I have always been inspired by your commentaries. Would you like a lap dance?" The Pri Megadin looked at her closely, leaned forward, and replied to her, "Meideleh, I don't fraternize with shiksas." 

"But Rebbe," she said, "I am as Jewish as your wife!" 

"You don't show it. My aishess chayil projects her Jewishness with her elaborate hair covering, separates herself through her elegant-though-modest mode of dress, builds upon the Devine's creation with her delicate rhinoplasty, and truly distinguishes herself with her double-D implants." 

The Pri Megadin then puked and passed out at the bar, and spent the night sleeping on the floor until it was time for Shacharis.

Ah Gutten Shabbos You Minuval


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Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

Thursday, June 22, 2017

On Unity and Division in Klal Yisroel

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On Unity and Division in Klal Yisroel


Rabboisai.

I am writing a special Drasha for you this week in light of the current circumstances in Klal Yisroel.

I was eating a salad yesterday that I bought from a Glatt Koisher restaurant when I ran into one of my colleagues, Rabbi Herschel Schachter, who suggested that because there was broccoli in my salad, and broccoli may contain microscopic bugs, I am like Zimri Ben Salu HaShimoinee, leading to a perversion of Klal Yisroel. And only he, in the role akin to Pinchas Ben Eliezer, has the courage to halt my sinful actions by disemboweling me with a spear through my midriff.

I responded to Reb Herschel that by pointing out such an inconsequential Narishkeit, he is like Yeruvum Ben Nevat, splintering Israel into a separate communities, and in doing so is creating false idols reminiscent of the Kruvim on top of the Aroin HaKoidesh, only with larger Schvantzyls. And I suggested that Hakadoishboruchhu is destined to take His revenge on Reb Herschel and his male descendants, probably by ruining their Tzitzis in the washing machine and by making their Shmaasers wilt on Mitzvah night.

Rabboisai, we are living at a time when Achdus Yisroel Einenah, the unity of Israel is no more. Once upon a time Klal Yisroel stood united around Har Sinai to receive the Toirah from Hakadoshboruchhu. There was thunder. There was lightning. There was music. U2 opened, followed by Crosby Stills Nash and Young. Then came Lady Gaga and Lipa Shmeltzer. Then Joe Cocker and the Miami Boys Choir, followed by the Toronto Pirchei. And then Jimi Hendrix brought down the house with his psychedelic guitar rendition of "Zarah Chayah V’Kayamah".

After saying "Na'aseh V'Nishmah" Am Yisroel waited together for Moishe Rabbeinu to ascend the mountain, and stayed encamped at the base of Har Sinai for 40 days and 40 nights. Klal Yisroel was connected as never before. Men learned Toirah all night. Women recited Tehilim. Kids played card games. The was hookah. Local Sinaitic Besomim were passed around, and lots of Leytzonois V’Simcha Dioraisa, A.K.A. LSD. Free love reigned. Six months later thousands of couples got married, Boruch Hashem. And three month after that thousands of babies were born, Kenayna Hurrah! It was a time of peace, love, and understanding, Man!!!

But not today. Look around at the divisiveness that defines Klal Yisroel:

The secular in Israel are trying to force their evil will upon the Ultra Orthodox by compelling the Chareidim to contribute to the State through participating in military or national service and pursuing employment. The Ultra Orthodox are resisting a change in the status quo and believe that due to their Toirah study and piety, they are entitled to have large families, be exempt from the army, refrain from secular education, and be supported by the State that most of them are ideologically opposed to.

The progressive Orthodox are trying to expand the role of women within traditional frames of reference, while the traditional Orthodox are opposed to innovation, and see such changes as outside the scope of tradition.

In Israel, the left seeks to make territorial concessions in exchange for a political arrangement with the Palestinians. The right seeks to preserve Jewish sovereignty over the traditional territories identified with ancient Israel.

We are at odds with each other as never before. There is tension. There is political debate. There are street demonstrations. There is name calling. And there are lots of discussions on Facebook, at least among the people who apparently have nothing better to do all day.

Is there not one thing we can all agree upon that unites us? Why cannot Klal Yisroel be perfectly united the way we were throughout our 4000 year history?

I mean... Of course throughout there might have been the occasional internal disagreement...

-- As noted above, the Kingdom of Israel in the north split from the Kingdom of Judah in the South. The Toirah suggests that political ambition led to the split. Biblical scholars suggest that the split resulted from exploitation, forced labor policies and other inequalities implemented by the HaMelech Shloimoih on the northern tribes of the Israelite confederation. I guess the wise King Solomon was not so Reboinoisheloilum-damned smart after all. And the Metzudas Tziyoin suggests that the north split off because they thought their cable bill was too high, plus they wanted a better selection of TV channels.

-- Within the Kingdoms of Judah and Israel, there was an ongoing theological competition between the supporters of the Aimishteh, AKA Yahweh, and the supporters of the pagan pantheon. Even King Shlomo introduced idolatry into the Bais HaMikdash. But on the plus side, according to the Medrish Tanchuma, he also built a health club for the Koihanim within the Bais Hamikdash itself, which included cardio vascular equipment, a weight room, and a Svitz. But the Koihanim were always angry that they had to pay extra to use a trainer or get a massage.

-- Hillel must have thought that Shammai was a total ass. I mean, they disagreed on EVERYTHING, and Hillel typically won all the arguments. And yet, they sat together on the Sanhedrin as one of “The Pairs”, convening the institution on a daily basis. (A Yerushalmi in Brachois tells us that despite their differences, they were regular Sunday morning racquetball teammates, and they participated in a weekly poker game with Reb Elazar Ben Azariah, Elisha Ben Abuyah AKA Acher, and Ben Heyhey.)

-- Other famous “debaters” of the Talmidic period include Rabbi Yehuda and Reb Jose, Rav and Shmuel, and Abaya and Rava. To the best of my knowledge, none ever referred to the other as Koirach, although in a heated moment Rava did once say to Abaya, “hey, buddy, your wife looks like “a Persian howler monkey, and not one of the cute ones”.

-- RASHI, perhaps the ultimate commentary on the Toirah and a critical commentary on the Talmud, is ceaselessly debated and challenges by Toisfois, a broad school of scholars that followed in his footsteps in Western and Central Europe, some of who were his own grandsons. And did he express disappointment in their constant Minuvaldickah arguments on minutiae? Well, he might have, but he was dead. Kind of hard to debate or to deliver a Psak Halacha from the grave. Unless you are the Lubavitcher Rebber

-- The RAMBAN debates ceaselessly with the RAMBAM, considered by many to be the single most influential Jewish thinker since Jesus….errr…. since Rabbi Akiva.

And so on…

And what were these people debating about? Theoretical topics about the color of Moishe Rabbeinu’s Yarmulke? The number of goats that Yankif Avinu had? Whether the world is 6,000 years old or 6 billion years old? NO, YOU MECHUTZIFF! They were debating practical matters: What type of Tefillin should people wear -- RASHI or Rabbeinu Tam? What constitutes acceptable activities on Shabboskoidesh? What Bracha do you make on strawberry ice cream? Etc.

And in our own day we have considerable variation on core religious practices. For example:

-- Different Nusachichim of Davening/ variants of prayer – Between Ashkenaz, Sephard, Nusach Ari/ Lubavitch, Sephardi/ Edot HaMizrach, Roman, Yemenite

-- Yoim Toiv Shaynee Shel Goliyois versus one day of Yuntif in Eretz Yisroel

-- Chassidic practice versus Misnagdischeh practice

-- Kitniyois eaten by Sephardim

-- Gebruchts eaten by Misnagdim

So diversity is built into the culture of Klal Yisroel! There are different Minhagim. There are even different approached to Halachah. And to this the Gemarrah says, “Ilu V’Ilu Diverei Eloikim Chaim ”, alternate positions in a debate are all expressions of the living Reboinoisheloilum.

So if diversity is so inherent in our culture, why have contemporary debates deteriorated into pugilistic name calling and physical protests?

I am reminded of a Ma’aseh Shehoya. The Volna Goyn was once Davening for the Umid on the Yahrtzeit for his poodle. As he was about to recite Kedushah, a group of Chassidim came into the Shul to protest. The Gruh immediately stepped out of his Chazaras HaShatz and called the Czar’s police to arrest the Chassidim for loitering.

That night Hakadoshboruchhu came to him in a dream. “What did you have those Chassidim arrested?” asked the Aimishteh.

“Because they are perverting Your religion” replied the Gruh.

“MY RELIGION!?” screamed the Reboinoisheloilum. “Dude, I am a Hindu, for My-sakes. Plus I love the Payis.”

And from that day forth, the Goyn stopped persecuting the Chassidim and started persecuting the Reformed.

Rather than focusing on issues of true importance, the Jewish community has become self-absorbed as never before. Perhaps the existence of a modern State of Israel has exacerbated a hunger for political and economic power. Perhaps the advent of news and social media has created a quest on the part of some for controlling ideas, beliefs, and practices.

But we are not a group of former slaves camped out at Har Sinai waiting for the Good Word from On High. We have the power to think for ourselves. The Jewish ghetto of Eastern Europe is no more. And those that try to recreate it in our modern society are bound to fail, because there is not now, nor has there ever been, a singular Jewish doctrine. “Toirah Lo BaShamayim Hee.” “Ilu V’Ilu Diverei Eloikim Chaim.”

Ah Gutten Shabbos You Minuval.

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Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

Friday, June 16, 2017

Parshas Shlach

THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN


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Rabboisai,

Before I deliver my weekly Drasha, I would like to respond to several comments sent my way over the last two weeks. "Why" people have asked, "have you not published in the last two weeks? Have you become a Meshumid, or even worse, a Reform Jew?"

Well, truth be told, there is a simple answer: I WORK FOR A LIVING!!

And do you know why? Because you, my beloved Talmidim, are a bunch of good-for-nothing Mamzerim! How many of my books have you bought? How much have you contributed to my Yeshivah? It breaks my heart, especially when I read about the great wealth accumulated by several charlatans... err... great Rabbanim in Eretz Yisroel.

http://www.haaretz.com/news/national/forbes-presents-the-richest-rabbis-in-israel-1.435748

http://www.forbes.co.il/rating/list.aspx?en6v0tVq=EE

Rebboinoisheloilumdammit! I expect you Talmidim to be buying my books and sending me checks left and right so can make this list next year!

Otherwise I will no longer pray to Hakkadoshboruchhu on your behalf, hand out magical amulets, or give out Red Bendeleh strings to wear around your Schvantzyls (or your wrists, if you are a woman, Chass V'Sholom). Instead, I will daven for you to have erectile dysfunction or sagging Tzitzim.

Pinky

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Parshas Shlach

This week's parsha, Shlach Lecha, is one of the most confusing Parshiyois in Kol Hatoirah Kooloh. Takkah, I had to read it three times to make sure it wasn't the latest issue of the National Enquirer. Or even worse, a Medrish.

Moishe Rabbeinu sends twelve spies into Eretz Yisroel to determine the fertility of the land, the vulnerability of the local populations, and the volatility of interest rates. The Meraglim come back and claim at first that the land is fertile, but the locals are too intimidating. They later change their story to say that the land itself does not provide adequate sustenance. Why can't they make up their minds, those Mishagayim? Only Yehoshua and Culayv are optimistic about Klal Yisroel’s ability to conquer the land.

Confusing point #1: What could these people have been thinking? I mean, why would Yehoshua and Culayv be interested in Eretz Yisroel? How about Madagascar? Or Dubai? What about Miami Beach? Or Brooklyn?

Also, as the spies were surveying the Promised Land, why didn't the Meraglim note that the hotels are overpriced; the people are rude; it's hard to find a decent kosher meal in Tel Aviv; oh, and HALF THE POPULATION WANTS TO FREAKING KILL YOU!!!!

Takkah, according to a Medrish in Divrei Hayamim Rabbah, the Meraglim never even made it into the heartland of Eretz Yisroel. Unbeknownst to Moishe Rabbeinu and the Bnei Yisroel, the spies secretly went down to Eilat and spent seven days on the beach ogling at the topless Scandinavian women.

Confusing point #2: When Klal Yisroel, those Behaimas, panic and long to return to Egypt, the Reboinoisheloilum decides to kill them all. Moishe Rabbeinu pleads for their lives by using a somewhat surprising argument: (Bamidbar, Perek Yud Daled, Possuk Tess Vuv-Tess Zayin) “... if you (the Aimishteh) shall destroy this People in a single instance, the nations (of the world) which have heard of you will say, 'Hakadoishboruchhu slaughtered this People in the desert because He was unable to bring them into the Land which he swore to them...'"

In other words, "What will the Goyim say?"

What will the Goyim say?!!! Who does Moishe think he is – Bibi Netanyahu or Ivanka Trump? Since when does Moishe Rabbeinu worry about the Goyim? Since when does any Jew worry about the opinions of the Goyim, those anti-Semites? Why, as is well known, in the world to come, the GOOD Goyim will walk around all day holding onto my Tzitzis. And the BAD Goyim are going to be my "bitches", since, according to the Ari Zahl, when Moshiach comes there will no longer be a prohibition of Mishkav Zachar.

No wonder Moishe was never let into Eretz Yisroel! If he likes the Goyim so much, he should learn to play golf and shave with a blade.

The RAIVID, when looking at this episode, suggests that Moishe was secretly trying to anger Hakkadoshboruchhu in order to be released from his contract. The Mesopotamians were offering him 50% more per year to be their leader, six weeks of vacation, plus unlimited use of the corporate magic carpet.

However, the RAMBAN holds that Moisheh made the defensive argument in earnest. And, remarkably, the Aimishteh ultimately relented and did not destroy Klal Yisroel (although He did raise management fees by 50 basis points).

What is going on here? I am reminded of a famous story in Gemarrah Yevumois about Rabbi Tarfun. Once, at the end of a three day Yuntif, Rabbi Tarfun went to put out the last of his garbage bags. However, he found that all the garbage cans outside of his house were full. He was about to put the bags into the cans of his Gentile neighbors, when his wife stopped him, and insisted that he get permission first. "Why?" he asked her, as she painted the toe nails of their thirteen daughters.

She responded, "you never know when you are going to need a Gentile's help." And it came to pass that three weeks later, as he tried to assemble his children’s' new swing set, the Gentile next door was the only person in the entire neighborhood who knew how to change the head of a socket wrench.

This theme is also addressed in a famous story in the Zoihar. Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai was sitting in the cave where he hid from the Romans for 14 years. After spending an afternoon meditating, Rabbi Shimon fell asleep. Using his deep Kabbalistic knowledge and the pureness of his soul, he summoned the presence of the Reboinoisheloilum. "What do you want, Reb Shimon? I'm on another call," Hakkadoshboruchhu asked.

"Aimishteh," Rabbi Shimon responded, "I am getting tired of living in this filthy cave. Can you please take me away from all this suffering, and reward me with land and wealth and lots of spare time for Toirah and day trading? Why do the Goyim have it so good, while I, one of your chosen few, continue to struggle?"

The Reboinoisheloilum paused for a moment, and then responded in a low monotonous tone that was little above a whisper. "Reb Shimon, how many people in the world are there?" He asked.

"Why, about six billion" Rabbi Shimon slowly responded.

Hakkadoshboruchhu continued. "And how many Jews are there in the world?"

Again, Rabbi Shimon answered, this time quickly, and with more confidence in his voice. "I would guess about twenty million."

The Aimishteh then raised His voice. "So do you think that in a world of six billion people, all reality revolves around the actions and the fate of 20 million people, three tenths of one percent of the global population? What kind of reefer are you smoking in that cave, you Michutziff??"

So the truth is, whether we like it or not, world opinion does matter. This may not make sense to you, you Am Haaretz, but neither does Shatnez or yeshiva tuition.

It also doesn't make sense that after witnessing all of the miracles of the exodus from Egypt, the ten plagues, the crossing of the Red Sea, and receiving the Toirah, Klal Yisroel continues to rebel against the Reboinoisheloilum at every turn. But they should get over it already, and so should you.

Life doesn't make sense. And if you don't like it, you can always quit the religion and convert to Hinduism. Reboinoisheloilum knows there are a lot more of them. 

Ah Gutten Shabbos You Minuval

----

Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshiva Chipas Emmess

=====

http://rabbi-pinky.blogspot.com/
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Tuesday, May 30, 2017

On the Whole Heter to Fly To Saudi Arabia On Shabboskoidesh Thing

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On the Whole Heter to Fly To Saudi Arabia On Shabboskoidesh Thing


Rabboisai,

What the Tashmish HaMitah!!

There is a great deal of speculation out there about who gave the Psak Halacha to Jared and Ivanka enabling them to take off in a plane on a Friday and arrive on Shabboskoidesh to Saudi Arabia. The speculation can end. It was me, the Rabbinic Advisor to President of the United States Donald Trump SHLITA.

(And by the way, I have also been given a second title: Christ Killer Advisor to Vice President Mike Pence.)

People wonder about the legitimacy of the travel Psak. They wonder about the Halachic elements in the decision. The worry about the precedent it sets in the mind of the Gentile public re: Sabbath observance. And they contemplate how to get a similar Heter next time they go on vacation.

Shoyn.

I know that such people are asking these questions Lishmah. However, I fear they may also be subconsciously driven by dislike for President Trump SHLITA, and are applying their ire to every aspect of the current Administration, professional and personal. Why, some even wonder if President Trump was born in this country, and insist on seeing a birth certificate, given the fact that his father was from Kenya and he was educated in a Midrassa in Indonesia. Who ever heard of such a thing?!?!

Yes, some of my friends, friends with whom I share many sensibilities and a similar world-view, in seeking "personal scandals" such as whether Jared Davened towards Mecca or Jerusalem while in Saudi Arabia, have begun to sound like a progressive version of Fox News. Only without the sexual harassment. I hope.

Indeed, I did give a Heter to Jared and Ivanka to fly on Shabbos. And I would do it again. Here is my Halachic reasoning:

In Beraishis, at the beginning of Parshas Vayayra (Genesis, Chapter 18), Avraham Avinu receives guests. And how does he entertain them? Does he offer them Meal Mart food? Does he order in from the Koisher Dunkin Donuts? No, you Mechutziff!! Shtayt in Passuk, "VaYikach Chem'ah V'Cholov, OoVen Ha Baker Asher Usuh, VaYitain, Lofneihem; Ve'Hoo Oimaid Aleihem Tachasssss HuAitz, VaYoicheilu". "And (Avraham) took butter and milk, and the calf that he had prepared for them, and set it before them; and he stood by them under a tree, and they ate." (Pasook Chesssssss; Verse 8).

Now, as it turns out, these three "guests", we soon find out, are messengers of the Reboinoisheloilum. And how do they respond to the fact that Avraham Avinu served them Basar and Cholov, milk and meat? Did they accuse Avraham of being a bad Jew? Did they abandon their mission on behalf of Hakadoishboruchhu? Do they - not so politely - refuse the food, and ask for uncut vegetables on a paper plate and plastic cutlery? No, you Menuval! The three messengers ate the food, and they enjoyed it!

Does anyone suggest that Avraham was not really observant? No, you Mechutziff! Members of Klal Yisroel cite this story all the time as a role model for behavior - Hachnassasss Orchim, showing hospitality to guests, even strangers. They also refer to the story as the best way to convene an Amway gathering.

We see from here that there is flexibility when circumstances call for it. The interests of humanity, in this case offering hospitality to strangers, can take precedence over Halachic minutia. Does anyone in CHAZAL ever question who gave a Heter to Avraham Avinu? No, you Vilda Chaya! They celebrate Avraham's selflessness, and go so far as to suggest that this meeting occurs as Avraham Avinu and his son Yismael are recovering from having Bris Milahs performed on their... errr... Bris Milahs.

There is certainly no doubt that the Toirah recognizes and respects that even within the boundaries of Halacha there are moments of exception. The Gemara tells us that a person is permitted to be Mechalel Shabboskoidesh to save a life. A person can be Mechalel Shabbos to go to war. A person can be Mechalel Shabbos to take a suffering child to the doctor, even if the child's life is not in danger. Etc. And, of course, a person can be Mechalel Shabbos if there is an important playoff game that night.

So when it comes to affairs of state, for someone who is Karov LeMalchuss, someone who is in a position of power and influence, and whose actions may have impact on lives, it should come as no surprise that the Halacha can be the subject of "creative flexibility".

It is indeed ironic that some of those most open to the application of "creative flexibility" to Halacha, who are critical of the rigidity of some elements of the Orthodox world, and who are active supporters of change-for-the-better in Orthodoxy, including on issues such as conversion, Agunot, and the role of women, have all of the sudden decided to join the Chareidi world in the most black and white interpretations of Halacha and practice with regard to Jared and Ivanka’s travel habits.

Indeed, in our own backyards there are many observant people who are Mechalel Shabbos with a Heter for the benefit of the greater good. Doctors carry phones to Shul on Shabbos, take calls, and travel to the hospital or their offices to see patients or do rounds. Hatzallah and other Observant EMTs use radios and travel on Shabbos, for both emergencies and routine staffing. Soldiers in Israel go to battle or stand on guard duty, even when there is no known threat. And even outside of Israel, an increasing number of Orthodox Shuls have members that engage in guard duty, using phones, walkie talkies, and cameras due to the outside risk that maybe, perhaps, there will be a terrorist attack, despite the very low probability of such event occurring in many of our communities. Why does mainstream Halacha permit such behaviors? Because we live in the world of reality, and reality is not a fantasy book that idealizes our existence in ancient Israel and in all of the countries of the Diaspora in every generation. Reality is here and now.

Klal V'Choimer when we are speaking of affairs of state in which lives are at stake - perhaps not today, but in the medium and long term. When we speak of Saudi Arabia, a country which borders on Iran and which is a significant influencer on the Sunni Moslem world, we speak of a country that has serious relevance to Israeli and American lives, as well as the lives of others in the region. Would a public reapproachment between Saudi Arabia and Israel potentially save lives? Would influencing the funneling of Saudi money away from Hamas, Al Quaida and other extremist groups potentially save lives? Would establishing more robust defense capabilities in Saudi Arabia potentially save lives? Would increased intelligence cooperation in the struggles against Iran and ISIS potentially save lives, especially if President Trump does not reveal these intelligence sources to the Russians, or to the general public in a 3:00 am tweet?

Of course! You do not need to be a brilliant Toirah scholar like me to acknowledge the above.

So if the presence of Jared and Ivanka has relevance to and impact on such meetings, then it is a no brainer that there is flexibility in the Halacha. I know it may be hard for you to accept or to admit. But please do not hurt yourself trying to follow the logic.

I am reminded of a Maiseh Shehoya. The RAMBAM, as is well known, was a great Rabbinic scholar who lived for most of his life in Egypt. He was also a philosopher and a doctor, a skill he learned from reading the Gemarra and studying while in the Bais HaKeesay. His prominence and expertise as a doctor resulted in his being the personal physician to the Vizier, the equivalent of Prime Minister, to Sultan Salah A-Din.

One Shabboskoidesh, as Salah A-Din was in the throes of battle to regain the Holy Land from the Crusaders, a royal chariot led by two horses came to the RAMBAM's Shul right after Leyning, and the RAMBAM was summoned to come into the chariot and travel to Salah A-Din's castle. He did so immediately.

The next day at Shacharis, one of the RAMBAM's congregants, Menachem Mendel Goldstein, came up to him and asked, "Rabbi RAMBAM, how come you traveled on Shabboskoidesh? You were Oiver on many Melachois!"

RAMBAM smiled a broad smile, extended his arms to Menachem Mendel, and pulled him closer to hug him. While clenching Menachem Mendel, the RAMBAM kneed him in the groin with all of his strength. Menachem Mendel fell to the ground, doubled over and sobbing. "But Rebbe", Menachem Mendel protested, "All I want is the truth!"

RAMBAM bent over to where Menachem Mendel was lying in a fetal position and spoke to him softly, in a barely audible voice, "You can't handle the truth! You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to." (Talmidim: Extra credit to anyone under the age of thirty who gets the reference.)

Shoyn.

V'Ee Taymah, and if you want to claim, that Jared and Ivanka's actions, well intentioned or not, have a negative impact on Sabbath Observant Jews everywhere and threaten to chip away at the legal protections earned for Sabbath observers in the workplace over the last 70 years, I would suggest that Jared and Ivanka’s actions will not be perceived as representative in any way. That sort of thinking is similar to those who fear walking in the streets of Manhattan wearing a Yarmulke. It is a ghetto mindset.  We no longer live in Eastern Europe, although I am sure that you, you Mechutziff, like to make believe you do, particularly when you try to convince your wife that you cannot take the time to bring her to her... ummm... Makeh B'Patish because the Cossacks might be attacking any minute.

Now, I know that not everyone agrees with my Psak or with my perspective. One such person is my beloved rabbinical colleague, the RADAMN. On this topic he has publicly stated, "The problem with the counter-factual you present is that it attempts to apply a subjective standard to what is most certainly governed by an objective reasonable person test. The question is not what any one person would do. The question is simply does the act or decision allow or preclude Sabbath observance in general in the work place, school or event. Again, I am not advocating for personal preferences as to how to observe but simply the right to observe. (By way of analogy, the constitutional distinction w/r/t voting is whether the governmental act precludes the right to vote at all versus the right to an informed vote. Generally a governmental act impact the former will be deemed unconstitutional whereas the latter is presumed constitutional).”

I must admit: I have absolutely no idea what he is talking about. You see, he went of Princeton, and they apparently speak a different dialect of Aramaic.

In any case, I personally believe that President Trump SHLITA is off to a perfect start. However, if one wants to find fault with his administration, I am sure that there are one or two things that some may find objectionable, such as:
-- An emerging pattern of secret contacts with the Russians amongst many in his inner circle
-- Firing the head of the FBI during an investigation of the Russia connection
-- A pattern of irresponsible tweets, including a tweet accusing Former President Obama of bugging Trump Tower, which has been debunked at all levels of the security establishment
-- Failure to produce an alternative to Obamacare that ensures coverage of the existing ensured
-- An ill-thought out wholesale ban on travelers to the country
-- Lowering of business taxes without a viable plan for replacing revenues, while at the same time promoting increased spending on defense and private prisons
-- Signaling to NATO leaders a less than full commitment to NATO, which has been the lynchpin of military stability in Western Europe since WWII.

In addition, he performed a sword dance with the Saudis, and did not even know the right dance steps!!

So, Mistama, there may be a little room to criticize President Trump. But the Sabbath travels of Jared and Ivanka are arguably legitimate from a Halachic standpoint, and are, frankly, irrelevant, to any broader concerns about President Trump SHLITA.

Ah Gutten Yuntif You Menuval


---------

Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess

Friday, May 19, 2017

NEW -- Chadash Assur Min HaToirah

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Chadash Assur Min HaToirah


Rabboisai,

This week I had been planning to share with you the ultimate key to bringing Moishiach, the Shaym HaMephoirash, the ineffable name of Hakadoishboruchhu that has been passed down in my - MY - family, as I am the direct descendant of Moishe Rabbeinu, Eli HaKoihaon, and Yirmiyahi HaNavi. And in invoking the Name in this Drasha, in this large virtual Kehillah, I was going to trigger the Yemai HaMashaich, the Messianic Era and the End Of Days. It's about time, don't you think?

In my role as President Donald Trump's Advisor For Spiritual Afffairs this week, I discussed my plan with President Trump SHLITA, and he though the idea was "Terrific!" He even wanted to know if we could brand the Third Bais HaMikdash as the "Trump Temple".

However. President Trump inadvertently shared the Shaym HaMephoirash with the Russian Foreign Minister and Ambassador a week ago, and as they tried to use this ultimate weapon in their Zil limousines on the way back to the Russian Embassy, they upset the Reboinoishoilum, who only allows the use of the Shaym once in a generation. So Moshiach-Tzeit, the era of the Moshiach, will have to wait.

Damn.

But the good news is that some of my investments in Canadian real estate, the defense industry, and privately run prisons will now have time to grow in value. Baruch HaShem.

Shoyn.

----

We start today's Drasha with a series of questions. Please bear with me; I know that you have the attention span of a Goilem who just drank six Espressois... errr... espressos.

----

-- The Mishnah asks: "Ma'Amusai Koirin Ess Kriyas Shma Ba'Arvin?" From what point can we start reciting Kriyas Shma at night? I am not going to recite to you the entire Machloikess; if you are not intimately familiar with this very basic Mishnah, you should probably stop calling yourself a Jew and start worshipping Yushka, since you are an Am Ha'Aretz and add no value to Klal Yisroel whatsoever. Unless of course you are willing to write a big check, and then we will praise your value as a supporter of Toirah and Klal Yisroel and as a communal leader. Kenayna Hurrah!!

-- We also have an adage in Klal Yisroel that begins, "Tuhdeer V'She'einoi Tuhdeer..." - When one has to prioritize the order of a liturgy, which comes first - the common or the uncommon? Again, I am not going to tell you the answer. You should know the answer, otherwise you should not be reading this Drasha, because you are not qualified to be a Jew. Instead, you should be fixing cars and doing projects that require sheetrock.

-- When someone has a son, he has the opportunity to engage in the greatest Mitzvah in Klal Yisroel - LeHachnisoi Ess Bnei LeBrisoi Shel Avraham Avinu - to connect his son to the eternal covenant that Avraham Avinu forged with the Reboinoisheloilum. How does one do this? By having a Moihel perform a Bris, a circumcision, on the eighth day of life, or as soon after as possible in the event of medical complication. And what does the Bris include? The key ingredients are: Circumcision, Metzitza BiPeh, and and serving bagels and lox.

You may raise concerns about the practice of Metzitza BiPeh, a practice during which the Moihel draws blood from the site of the circumcision with his mouth. Opponents of this practice point to several incidents in which a Moihel with oral herpes passed along this minor disease to the eight day old baby who has no immune system. This has occasionally resulted in the deaths of such children. You may argue that this practice should be waived and possibly be ruled illegal in civil law. But whoever would argue such a thing is either an agent of Yishmael or the embodiment of the Amalek in our day.

-- When a boy or a girl on the Kehillah is sexually abused by a rabbi or a respected community member or even a member of their own family, we must express sympathy for the victim. And we must do everything in our power - EVERYTHING - to make certain that the perpetrator is not reported to the police. After all, "Lama Yoimru BaGoyim, Ayeh Nuh Eloikaichem". What will the Goyom say?

So what if the abuser goes out and abuses again and again? Hey, the kids will get over it! Or maybe they will leave the community or even commit suicide. That will make the problem go away!

And let's face it, there are a lot worse Aveirois than sexual abuse. Such as Shatnez, shaving with a blade, and, of course, using a smartphone, especially during Chazarass HaSHATZ.

-- When a married person loses his or her faith, Chass V'Sholom, what should we as a community do? How should we respond to someone who goes - what is the expression? - OTB?

Well, we must of course show sympathy and understanding as a community, by banding together socially and economically and ensuring that the Frum parent gets sole custody of the children, and that the non-Frum parent gets visitation, of course - a half an hour a week, max, supervised.

And what if the Frum parent is physically, sexually, or emotionally abusive, or denies giving an Off The Derech wife a Gett? These our not our concerns, as the well being of the children in the Oilum HaZeh is pure Gashmiyus, materialism; as Frummah Yidden we must only worry about Ruchniyus, the Neshamas of the children in Oilum HaBah. And if the Frum parent's treatment of the children leads to their suffering, descent into despair, substance abuse, and early death, why that only means that they will be able to join the Aimishteh in Gan Eden sooner that they otherwise would have. What a Mitzvah we can do as a community!!

You're welcome.

-- Why did the Holocaust happen? Why, that is simple: Because the Reboinoisheloilum was punishing Klal Yisroel. And we know this because the punishment is foretold in the Toirah. Why did Hakadoishboruchhu slaughter all our ancestors? Once again, if you are asking such an obvious question, you do not belong as a member of Klal Yisroel.

The general point is as follows: If you do not agree with such "normative" definitions and prescriptions, you are a Menuval; even worse, you are a self hating Jew. In fact, you are more like a Judenrat. Or even worse, a Democrat.

Had you been in Egypt, you would not have been let out. Your sons would today be members of ISIS, and your daughters would be belly dancers.

---

Rabboisai - We are suffering from a plague. What is this plague? People thinking for themselves.

This is a terrible thing which undermines rabbinic political and economic power.. errr... which undermines belief in the Reboinoisheloilum and Hashgacha Pratis, Divine engagement in the world.

Rabboisai, the advent of people having access to the internet on their personal phones echoes the earlier introduction of the internet, which followed the phenomenon of television, the invention of radio, and the root of all evils, the printing press. In general, literacy is causing people to do Aveirois -- that is: Exchange ideas,  develop questions, and seek answers. This sometimes leads to people going OTD, or becoming a Meshumad, or leading a secular lifestyle, or being a secular humanist, or affiliating with the Reform or Conservative movements.

Or, the worst, remaining engaged in the Orthodox community and challenging the community to address areas of concern on the philosophical, theological, social, practical, and Halachic dimensions.

Our nation is called "the People of the Book". What book does this refer to? I assure you, it refers to Toirah Moshe Rabbeinu, not the works of Darwin or Einstein or Watson and Crick, or Marc Shapiro, or The Economist, or National Geographic, or the New York Times or the Wall Street Journal. It refers to the writing of RASHI and Toisfois, not The Toirah.Com. It refers to the publications of ArtScroll, not to the publications or the Hebrew Union College or the Jewish Theological Seminary, or Koren Publishing or Yeshivasssss Choivevei Toirah, Chass V'Sholom.

Orthodox Judaism is called "Orthodox Judaism" because is contains "orthodoxies", basic beliefs. And if you do not  subscribe to those basic beliefs, especially as espoused by me and my rabbinic colleagues, then you may as well by building the next Auschwitz because you are promoting questioning which will lead to efforts to change our way of life, to assimilation, and to Shmad. Assimilation is the Holocaust in our generation; I know so, because I saw on Facebook that some rabbi said so. So it must be true.

How does one confront this challenge to the religious hegemony of our Gedoilim? There is a Machloikess on this:

According the Reb Shmiel Kalbasavua, such voices must simply be ignored. Unless of course the proponents of new ideas do not look or smell like us, in which case they should be challenged to a pissing contest, typically next to a fire hydrant.

Reb Yehoishaphat Catahoula, a rising rabbinical star, holds that we should attack anyone and anything that blocks our path, and tear away at their foundations of credibility as if we were ripping out the insoles of their shoes with our teeth, pulling out their stuffing, and biting at them to make them harmlessly squeak.

Maharat Avigail Katievsky holds Farkert, that we should sit calmly around such people, but strike at them with outstretched claws when they least expect it.

But her brother Reb Asher Katievsky believes that we should keep our community as far away from such influences, protecting ourselves and our community as much as possible by hiding in hard-to-find places, though occasionally coming out to engage as long as we are properly acknowledged by being stroked behind the ears.

Finally, Reb Betzalel Kupkayk holds that we should observe such people by lying in wait, quietly and stealth-fully, until we POUNCE and capture those annoying creatures, torture them, kill them once we get bored, and leave their carcasses on the front steps of the Rebbe's house, as a gift.

----

Rabboisai, Shloimoi HaMelech once wrote that "Ein Chadash Tachassss HaShemesh", "There is nothing new under the sun". So who are these people who would have the Chutzpah to argue with Shloimoi HaMelech?

Some may suggest that there are many factors that should be considered in the modern era that should influence our approach in practicing our faith, such as:
-- Knowledge of science, including modern medicine
-- Modern social perceptions, such as the recognition of the fundamental equality of the intellectual capabilities of women
-- Better understanding of the behavior and the brain, including the lifelong negative impact of trauma
-- The rapid evolution of technology and communications.

People who cite such factors may be proud of themselves. They probably overheard conversations while sitting in a public Bais HaKeesay or while on line to register for welfare and unemployment benefits.

But we know better.

As the Chassssam Soifer said, "Chadash Assur Min HaToirah", nothing new is permitted by the Toirah. And he knew what he was talking about. He was a modern man, a man of our world; why, he died only a couple of years ago. In 1839. Compared to him, Einstein had the mind of a child, and Mark Zuckerburg was a shoemaker.

"Chadash Assur Min HaToirah" means that there have been zero changes in Yiddiskeit since Moishe Rabbeinu drank Espressois with Hakadoshbaruchhu on Har Sinai. He Davened using the liturgy of today, out of an Art Scroll Siddur. He wore a Shtreimel. He used filters on his water tap to keep out microscopic organisms. He used three filters on his iPhone, which he of course needed for professional purposes. He had two dishwashers in his kitchen, plus had a second kitchen for Pesach. He refused to sit next to women every time he sat on a plane. And he had a Nidah App on his iPhone to monitor his wife’s cycle and Mikvah habits.

And while according to the Toirah he preached the importance of honesty in judges and testimony, he made sure that such judges would always favor sexual abusers over their victims, and would deny parental access to children if a male parent decided that he liked to shave with a blade, or a female parent liked to eat Tarfus.

"Chadash Assur Min HaToirah."

So next time you hear of radical ideas, or have philosophical or theological questions, or worry about the well-being of human victims of Orthodox fundamentalism, get those ideas out of your mind. You have better things to be concerned about, such as Zman Kriyas Shma, which Shmineh Esrei to say first when reciting a Tashlumim, or how much suction to use when performing Metzitza BiPeh.

Ah Gutten Shabbos, You Minuval

---------

Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshivas Chipass Emmess